All grown up...

I was thinking of the last time I may have experienced the feeling of "care freeness". Surprisingly it may have been about 27 years ago. The journey from being a little pea in a pod in my Maa's womb to a girl who held on to her Bauji's knee when she was shy, lasted 4 years. Then a bundle of joy was brought home. A little sister, as gorgeous as she was as a baby,  the more naughty she got as she grew up. I had my own mate at home to laugh, cry, play and quarrel with. Both of us grew up together, her being the lil one always (even today!) and me the older one.

Being the older one has its perks... It teaches you how to be more giving, put others first, to share everything and more importantly how to worry, a trait that one acquires with the ups and downs of life. By default the older ones are on the fast track course to concern and worry. It begins with analysing situations and making decisions and then the excitement of taking charge of things and being responsible. As a young girl it is a lot of fun, agreed. I have grown older and the situations are getting more interesting. The game of being responsible and taking charge all the time is now boring. 

Change of scenario - Marriage! I got married to a really wonderful person 4 years older to me. Yay! I am not the older one any more and was hoping not analyse more and make more decisions than I was already making. But life as complex as we make it these days with a multitude of choices, always makes decision making a tail spin. What I want least to be is "All grown up!"

3 months too soon

A marathon of online assessments kept me busy. I had missed a call from Maa. On a normal day I would have called her back. But I was so brain dead by 11 PM that I messaged her back that I was famished and would call her first thing in the morning. My mobile beeped... 'Ok'.

Before I realised it, I was fast asleep. The next thing I saw when I opened my eyes at 6 AM...is my favourite Christmas tree at a distance visible through the window in the room. B was up too, ready to be dropped off to his bus. The crisp cool air woke me up. I was dressed and ready to hit the gym. I drove in the fresh morning air, stopped near Leela Palace, watched the Jaguar go by as it does everyday at the same time, waited for B's bus to arrive and left listening to the radio. Routine replay.

The gym was bustling with the drone of the treadmill and a bunch of cackling women. The trainer came and exchanged morning pleasantries and gave me my workout plan for the day. I was busy chugging along on the cross trainer when I remembered that I had to call Maa. An hour later in my sweat drenched track pants and t-shirt, I was morning multitasking - reading the newspaper, eating a bowl of oats, replying to my mail interspersed with sips of tea in between. Like there was not enough happening at the same time. Hidden under the ruffle of the news paper the mobile started ringing. I shuffled in my seat, there was an uneasiness, I was not sure I wanted to pick up the call. Also, who would be calling me at 8:30 AM in the morning!? It was Maa. I barely said Hello...and I heard in Marathi, "you will have to come". I did not batter an eye lid. Picked up a set of clothes for B and me and whatever else seemed important enough, worrying about what lay ahead in the day. I had feverishly feared the thought of this day. I was out of the apartment in a matter of 2 minutes.

I called B and said please head home. He was asking me what was wrong. All I said was "It is what I think it is". I had some sort of premonition but was extremely scared to voice or admit it. B said he will meet me half way. My calls to my sister were going unanswered. Traffic was up to my neck. I was trying to calm my nerves thinking of the situation Maa and S would be in. I kept trying to call, I got through once and I said, please try asprin, it is the best known drug to a heart faillure in progress. The phone went blank. In a while, I received a message, "I am sorry Shona". I almost died! Immediately after I got another message, heart beat back. I was ready to jump. The minutes that passed by seemed like hours....by the time I picked up B, I was asked to come to the hospital instead. I was hoping something positive had come back. A yard away from the hospital it was confirmed that it was all over. I knew this day had to come some day. But no one, not a small child, a grown up or certainly not a daughter is ready to accept and deal with this news.

The extremely knowledgeable, cheerful, fun loving, ever helpful father I knew was no more. Images of the last rites haunt me. A part of me went with him. I try to tell myself, he will never be gone. He will always be around. Mind takes over matter and confirms that it is all a way of consoling ourselves. My best friend, my rock of courage and my confidant life just decided that he was going to have a longer nap than usual and forgot to wake up. He had a heart ailment, but had learned to live and cope with it over many years. It was his kind of normalcy. But he was never ill to be the wonderful person, people have known him to be.

It seems like yesterday when we sat filling a cup to its brim and discussing 'Surface Tension'. 3 months too soon. Time will only remind me and strengthen our memories. But fade they will never.

You will always be missed Bauji.

New Year Resolution...

I woke up looking through the window at our garden, the lush green interspersed the mist. The chill reminded me of the warmth we enjoyed the previous night surrounding a bonfire of dense mahogany. On  the previous eve, we had a choice to hang out in the humdrum of noise and smoke or enjoy the cool breeze and warmth. We chose the latter.

A whole new year stared at me in my face. My mind was buzzing with the many things that needed to be done in the days to come. Complete furnishing the apartment, plant trees on the plot, etc. The planner in me in the past year has made me wonder if it is any use planning everything? Life has a way of teaching you that there is no use planning and somethings will take their own course and time to get done or not done.

My mind wandered and chanced upon the favourite thought on an new years day - "resolutions!". Some practical some emotional.  I made some last year - To be healthy and lead an active lifestyle. No I do not want to be size zero. Its not about size its about how healthy you are and that said, I am happy I have been in the pursuit of achieving it for most of last year and it continues.

This year, I wish to do things that will ensure that there are lesser children going hungry. This thought came up on my last trip to Mumbai, where I saw a family living under a flyover alongside a pillar - the child had no clothes, no food but had a glee on his face and was happily playing with his mates in the dirt and rubble. And whoosh...went an Audi A6 right next to him. Framed! This is what I would call a "Critique's - Kodak Moment!". Story of India's wealth distribution. Disgusting and true.

In addition, I want to be able to write more often and unclog the volcano of emotions that go off on a tangent on other radii. Expression of thought frees the mind.

More soon... Until then... Be the change you want to see!